Saturday, May 26, 2012

The life of a death

In a place called 'kasi' in India, people pray to dead bodies. People who visit and live there are constantly in the radar for the chants of 'ram ram', made by the men who carry the diseased. People then rush to their doorsteps with folded hands to pray at, what's-left-by-the-life that walked the earth. 'this is insane' I told my dad who was excited, to narrate this from his recent pilgrimage.

The train jerked and I almost dropped my not-so-smart phone. With another jerk the train gave up in the midway between two stations. This is the umpteenth time the metro is breaking down in the middle of the transit. In a few seconds, lights went off. 'Dad I'll call you back' and I cut the call without waiting for his answer. I always took him for granted. To be honest I don't treat him as well as my mother and though I love him, I never told him so. I looked up to see a compartment full of glowing faces lit by their smart phones. It's not a freaky sight, but just after the conversation with my dad, it sure chilled my bones.

Five more minutes and the train experience was not exclusive anymore. Few people were on the phone, talking or texting, which seemed like a running commentary of the situation. The scratchy radio noise from the operator, assured us we were safe. 5 more minutes, and I was starting to panic. Standing in the closed train at the tunnel deeper than three floors down, with no light and aircon, the claustrophobia took over faster than I expected. I began to Imagine the headlines of the evening news and how they would notify my loved ones. Suddenly I was worried whether someone would pray at my remains, if I were to be taken out in stretcher from the tunnel.

I closed my eyes shut and thought about my fond memories. The time my love lain on my stomach and slept while I was reading a book, the time my mom combed my hair and said how cute I looked, the time my dad sat in my first bike, the time I kissed, the time I did reverse bungee; flashes of memory slides changed rapidly and then a heavy load of regrets pinched me on my chest. Time and space vanished and then there was light and silence. I opened my eyes hoping to be in heaven, but I was still standing flesh and blood, in the train which was more alive than me and snailing its way to the next station.

We don't talk about the four letter D word. We don't appreciate it and we don't even want to think about it. For it praises ending with uncertain future, for it praises sadness. After I reached the surface, and smelled good old polluted air, I called my dad to tell him how much I loved him. The D word may not give you a happy feeling, but surely it can make you live one!

PS: this post is dedicated to my friend's father. who fought a brave battle to cancer for several years. May his life be appreciated for all his good deeds and may his soul rest in peace.

Monday, May 14, 2012

And she was enough

If someone makes a contest of all those things that we take for granted, the first place goes to mothers.
You may try all your life, but I bet you wont be able to love her more than she loves you. Every year I  treat her around this special day , we go on a date to a movie, to restaurant or go saree shopping spree. Just us, its our ritual.

This year is year of many firsts, the first time since college I received money from her and did not treat her on mothers day. No date, no black forest cake and no saree shopping spree. In fact I received some money from her for my expense last month. When  the whole world judged me for my action to leave a steady career to study, The only person who stood by my side is her.

She never questioned my decision, she never ever have!  I have taken many decisions that affected me personally and my family for the past few years, and she always found the courage and strength to love me no matter what, from bottom of her heart. Its doubtful whether I would have loved myself if I were her.I called her today to wish her and all she wanted to know was, whether I had my lunch! Although she has been feeding me for the past 32 years and 10 months before that.

You know the feeling you get, when whatever you do is not enough ? not enough for your career, for your family or for your loved one.  I was feeling 'not enough' for a while now.But today I realised no matter what I do or don't do, I would always be 'enough' for my Mom. The four letter word cannot suffice my feelings for her. In the world full of  'not enoughs' we are more than enough for each other Amma.

p.s: Wishing your mom a very happy mothers day, thanks to her I found such a wonderful person to be my friend.