Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The tomorrows of yesterday

Dear problems

You may had my yesterdays and today but I am refusing to give up my tomorrow.
For tomorrow is mine and I am going to be happy no matter what you do.


Sunday, January 22, 2012

Lost clouds and unclee

Leaf succulent are plants that grow in extreme conditions of the dessert. To be precise, they stay dormant for most of their life, waiting for a random cloud to get lost and pour down some love. Within few hours of rain, they grow, bloom and store as much as water they can in their fleshy inside. A bed of colorful flowers in the middle of the dessert! Then again the dormant cycle begins, it could be weeks, months or even years until it can rain, yet they wait patiently. I came across this, in kid's encyclopedia that I was reading out to 6 year old Sam, my landlord's kid.

"Is the plant sick?" he asked me , tad worried. It took me couple of seconds to realise why he is asking me that. Sam's mom is a nurse and patient can only mean one thing. It's been just couple of weeks since I moved in here, but all it took for Sam and Angeline to befriend me was just a smile. Angeline is turning 3 tomorrow, and had little idea about the discussion, yet she enjoyed sitting there with an open book and being in company. By the way she calls me unclee.

It's time to baptize Sam to Google, so we moved onto my computer table. Angeline climbed up on my lap and peered into the screen, while Sam stood next to me taking it all in. In the next few minutes, Sam learned googling, Angeline learned to click and I found out "patient" came from the Latin word patientia. which meant , one who suffers. It had several similar meanings and I like this one the best. ' The act or power of calmly or contentedly waiting for something due or hoped for; forbearance '

While the mentioned two waited patiently for my explanation, I wondered about succulent plants, patience and me. Desserts were once ocean , and these plants adapted to it. They might seem, poor and stupid. Other plants might pity them. But it is the fortitude that makes miracle happen, for a life affirming rain from a lost cloud is no mistake.

ps: My gratefulness to all those who mailed,sms and called to make sure I am doing ok. You guys are my lost cloud.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Unspoken dreams and Unknown Eulogy

In a city where people couldn't wait few seconds before the signal turns green, Its only understandable that the body hanging from the tree, on the side of the road hardly got any attention. In the silent hours of today, an Indian worker in his twenties hanged himself  for unknown reason(s), I was told by my friend. Feelings are intangible but I could touch the sadness of death.For all we know this could be anyone related to us. Money? love? health? or sheer helplessness? Should I say, why the hell ?  or rest in heaven ? Unspoken nightmares? or failed dreams ?

I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about jumping from high floor or slashing my own wrist at times. Believe me the luck I had in last several months can turn a good man bad. I was literally few events away  from turning bitter. But one good thing is that I always vocalised my problems.  I let them out, sometimes here, sometimes to my friends and mostly to my dear diary.

During my worst times, I only pray for two things. One that I find the courage to handle it, and two to make myself useful to someone around. So it can give me a sense of purpose to carry on. What put me down in the last few months is that, not only I couldn't do charity , but I was depending on charity from people I know. It kills me to walk away from the blind man who sings at the train station without dropping a coin or two. I still donate some but not to my hearts content. Last month I picked up a shampoo bottle someone left near the lift, so people like me can use.  As gaga said " I am going to be star, you know why, I have nothing to lose"

I always end my posts with hint of positivity and hope, because I believe that the more you celebrate life, there is more to celebrate, but on this particularly low black Monday I want to throw a punch in the air and accept that life isn't fair at times. Flowers would be picked , people would still eat and life would go on. Who would remember the guy who oscillated his last breath on the park tree ? Thankfully my friend Willy did. Not only he went back to the place in the evening to show respect, he also put a god's picture and flowers for the unknown soul. Its only unfair that the Indian guy didn't get to meet my friend Willy yesterday. 

Friday, January 06, 2012

How long is one second ?

"How long is one second chichu mama?" my nephew asked me, without lifting his head from the jigsaw puzzle we were playing. I looked up wondering what to say.  "hmmm.. I dont know kutti, why dont you tell me how long it is?". He smiled at me, with his iam-gonna-make-something-up-look. He held his two tiny hands apart as if he is holding an invisible ball and said "this much". The next ten seconds were long enough to pick him up and swirl him around. He put his arms out and pretended to be a jet plane. We crash landed on the bed and giggled for long.

"NEXT.." the voice was loud enough to jolt me back to where I was. I was standing in the queue to student service at my college. It took one soft drink, 28 pages of Mitch albom's book and a day dream - in total a good two and half hours before I reached the counter.While the short Filipino lady waited impatiently, I fumbled through my valet and handed her my student ID.   " hi , I just finished my bridging module and going for masters this semester, I haven't got my schedule for this semester..." , she disappeared into the racks behind, before I finished my sentence.

"Your fee is due " she shouted from somewhere behind the shelves, I bet the student at the end of the long queue would have heard it. "Sorry?" I had to shout back. she held a file while walking back and did not waste any second to rain on me " Your fee is due, U have to pay ......before you start your semester " "but its paid through bank from India" . " Yes but due to conversion rate you are falling short.." , she went back to check some more stuff, while I stood there stumped. My phone flashed with message from my owner reminding me to move out before next month.

After a 15 minutes conversation, she handed me a bunch of forms to fill out,  I turned so fast that I bumped into the girl next to me and my papers cascaded the floor. I gathered myself along with the papers,walked over to the front gallery and sat down.

I starred into nothing for long, trying to find answers to questions that are so complex even to spell out. Then I turned towards the gallery, where they showcased students work to attract potential ones. Two mannequins had freaky clothes from fashion department, next to it was a space car from animation department.  Then something caught my attention. There it was, the packaging design boxes I made for my last semester, sitting high up in the white table with flash lights around, smiling at me. I smiled ear to ear with misty eyes, hands on my mouth.  I held my hands like my nephew and told myself "one second is this long". Long enough to go to the depths of depression and back to flying high like jet plane with hope. Crash landing is so out of question.