"She has gone to the temple. Today is Aadi Velli you know. There is special puja happening in temple and she has gone to pray.I can ask her to call you once she is back" My dad said. "Its ok daddy I would call again in the evening "and I kept the phone down. I stared at my computer screen uninterestingly. I couldn’t wait. It’s an unexplainable urgency, a need to convey myself. I started typing this letter. Which I would post not just to her but to the whole world.
I don’t even remember how old I was then, when I started going out with you to the market and temples.My hands were so tiny and you always ask me to hold your small finger. I never left you and I used to play with your saree edge all the time. I spoiled even the silk ones, but you never scolded me. I love the way you hold my chin and comb my hair neatly. One day I got lost in the big shivan temple. It was dark inside the temple and I kept crying, running in circles around the huge pillars. I got scared that someone would take me and make me beg in streets like the boy- in the story you told me. No words in any language could describe how glad I was, when I saw you again. I ran to your arms and you gave me a tight hug. You brushed my hair with your fingers and assured me “its ok everything is alright". It took me long time to calm down and I slept on your shoulder. I am sorry I spoiled your silk saree. I need you, don't ever leave me again Amma.
During my school days I copied in exam and got caught. When you were informed, you didn’t say a word. I was so afraid that you would never talk to me. After a long silence you said “Even if you fail its ok, but never copy" and I obeyed. We lived in single room apartment then and I used to wake up early to study . I switch on the light and wake you too. As an adult, now I understand how much you have sacrificed Amma.
When I started working, I fell ill by chicken pox. I couldn’t take the pain and cried. I even scolded you on your ways of treating the disease. I had high fever and lost my consciousness. I was told that you and dad fanned me using neem leaves all night long. I got better in few days and started working again. That evening I saw rashes and marks on your forearms. I was shocked to learn that you did Angapradhakshanim for me. I know how hard that Amman temple's concrete floor was and you rolled on a hot summer day. Till date I can’t imagine, how much pain you have undergone for me. I believe now, beyond the shadow of doubt that you know how to care for me Amma.
As I type this, I received the message that flowers and sweets were delivered to home. It cost me less than 40$. And I am sure you would question about the expenses. Because according to you, anything spent on you is luxury and anything spent on me is necessary.
The phone vibrated, flashing "Home”. Without a delay I picked it up.
"Cheechu amma here"
I sang happy birthday for you, while you kept laughing.
“Why did you spend so much on the flowers and sweets? It’s costly pa"
"Its ok Amma, You are my girl friend na that’s why " I smiled.
"You send me so much from there, I don’t even know how to send you something, even for last birthday I didn’t send you anything pa"
"Adaada, Its ok Amma, when I come there you can give me"
"You keep saying this, but you don’t have holidays na? ok next time you come here,the same day we will celebrate your birthday"
“Sure amma, did you like the sweets? Amma?” I realised you already started talking to our maid.
“Thayamma, did you see my son has sent me flowers, cakes and sweets from Singapore" you were so proud to tell that to our maid. And I am sure for the next few days you would tell this to everyone you meet.
“Amma I shall talk to you again in the evening, got some work", I kept the phone down
My eyes are blurred and I am searching for tissue paper. I love you Amma. And I know you love me the most. More than you love dad and brother. I feel guilty, for not being with you right now. I can only try everyday of my life to give you back what you have given me all these years Amma.I can only try.