Do you judge yourself? I do it all the time. I have to put a tag on my actions. "Good, very good, devil, pure devil, Kind, rude, silly, smart, dumb, dumber, dumbest "- and 1000 other personalised tags which comes handy all the time.
There are loads of good tags. Sometimes it keeps me on to nth cloud for long. Like the time I helped an old lady. It happened a year back. I met this Indian couple in the lift, and the lady had a troubled breathing .Thirty years of experience was more than enough to make me see its the Asthma attack. Upon speaking I learnt the old couple were on the tour with family and forget to carry her medicine. I promptly took out and gave my inhaler. Since asthma attacks are unpredictable I always carry it with me. Thank god Asthalin is the common prescribed drug. I was already late to work so I asked them to keep it. Couple of days later, their whole family was at my door. They wanted to thank and return my inhaler. They also gifted me 1kg of Indian sweet. I was so happy to have helped someone. I felt so special to have been used. I tagged myself as hero, kind and lovable for quite sometime
There were loads of bad tags too. Especially when I forget something. Couple of weeks back I forgot my shopping bags in the bus. I was so lost in my own world with Paulo and Corrs that I failed to notice 10$ worth shopping bags kept next to my feet. I know it’s not a big amount but the hoopla it created on my mind was so damn irritating. Also when clash happens with my acquaintances. I keep repeating the scene in my mind without any closure.” Why did he speak like that? Why did I respond like that? How can I act like that? I meditate; I read spiritual stuff and preach them. I seemed to have not changed at all" and umpteen why’s , what’s and how’s. By then, I would have tagged myself like that of temple tree.
After a while, I ponder on one thing - what’s the lesson learnt? But recently I read that we don’t need them to remind about our learning. For we have already learnt them, they are part of who we are. For example, you may have fallen few times when you learnt to ride a cycle then. But if you have to ride the cycle now, you don’t try to remember the time you fell down or the lessons on how to handle the bar and sit straight. You simply do it, its part of you.
I was thinking about these tags few days back. Perhaps it's the need to assure myself that I am always at the right place doing the right thing. But what if I were not? Why there is an obsessive need to control and assure everything happening to me? I left these questions hanging and forgot about it. The answer popped as I cleaned my living room. Just like a search result from a long computer query. All my past relationships which I considered bad have only helped me to understand about love and what I really want from my partner. All my life whatever I considered bad has indeed happened only for my good. “This awareness is what I wanted, Awareness leads to better choices”. I told myself as I got rid of the tags with the trash.